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  • Writer's pictureJ.J. Cunis


Updated: Jul 19, 2020

A top Iranian shithead encouraged his shithead chums to launch missiles and killed a US contractor. The US then launched an airstrike killing 25 shithead chums. The Iranian shithead goaded his disgruntled Iraqi chums to make a mess at the US embassy. No one was killed. The US Shithead in Chief (SIC) then killed that Iranian shithead with a drone strike.

“He was a real pit bull! The Iranian Shithead in Chief’s favorite. He had to be put down!” proclaimed the wispily quaffed US SIC.

The Iranian SIC was furious and got all the Iranian people in a lather! They stampeded like Americans at Wal-Mart on the day after Thanksgiving, killing 56 of their countrymen. Then he launched a barrage of Alexa announced missiles at a US air base knocking out a couple of buildings and a ’57 Chevy that was being restored. He had breakfast, stuck out his chest, and boasted “You better not hit me back or I’ll shoot rockets at the cities of all your shithead friends!”

The wispily quaffed US SIC and his asshat associates sighed a collective “Whew!” They had breakfast and busily crafted an entrance befitting a victorious but benevolent SIC. Entering through a back-lit aura to a waiting phalanx of dickheads, he declared victory and blamed everything, as always, on that damn Negro (paraphrased) who held the job before him, thereby, feeding the hidden emotions of his base.

So who was the winner? Killed? US forces 0, Iranian Shithead 1, Chums of Iranian Shithead 26, poor innocent people having nothing to do with the conflict 233. A typical outcome when shitheads put the shit in their heads together!

Oh wait, in basement government offices in Teheran and Washington spent missiles and rockets are being requisitioned in triplicate and restocked to the tune of billions much to the delight of the respective SIC’s benefactors. Also, an insurance claim was filed for the general’s ’57 Chevy, much to the chagrin of Flo.

(We now return to our breakfast coverage of “Impeachment of the Golden Pheasant”. When we left off, Mitch the Constipated Owl and Lindsey the Swivel Headed Chipmunk were rallying their forest chums to encircle and protect the aloof Donald the Golden Pheasant from Nasty Nadler, Shifty Schiff and the ever suffocating Pelosi the Python. Will they be able retain the allegiance of Maybe Mitt Mole, Someday Suzy Sloth and Linda the Fence Sitting Lion? Stay tuned!)

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