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  • Writer's pictureJ.J. Cunis

Ode to a 300 Pound Waterfowl

Updated: Apr 1, 2022

by J.J. Cunis & Daniel Kelly (A CuniKell Production)

(originally drafted in the bowels of the now defunct Marian High School circa 1972)

While enroute to a field with shotgun in hand,

I noticed a waterfowl twice as big as a man.

To my surprise she was up in a tree.

How she got up there was far beyond me.

I thought to myself, 'That's a bird that's quite rare.

How can I miss it? It's just sitting there!'

I raised up my shotgun and steadied it still,

I snapped off the safety, all set for the kill.

I squeezed on the trigger and let out a blast.

My pellets bounced off her! I turned away fast.

I tripped on my shoelace, let go of my gun.

Got back on my feet and started to run.

Her weight was tremendous, she fell from the top.

She cracked all the branches and continued to drop.

She hit with such force that 'THUD' went the sound,

She dropped like a missile and stuck into the ground!

When all the dust settled I heard a loud cry.

She flapped her huge wings and flew to the sky.

I ran through the bushes and climbed up a tree,

Glanced over my shoulder, "She's right behind me!"

I leapt in the river and started to swim

My chance of escaping was really quite grim.

I paddled and backstroked and swam for the bank.

I thought she was gone and gave the Lord thanks.

I stretched out in comfort and sighed with relief,

I finally reached safety or t'was my belief.

I sat down exhausted and took a deep breath.

She snuck up behind me and scared me to death.

No time for my sneakers, I lit off like a flash.

I would have clocked eight in the hundred yard dash.

I swung through the trees, vine to vine like an ape,

But she stayed on my heels. I just couldn't escape.

I noticed a jumbo jet tied to a tree,

Why it was there was far beyond me.

I ran up the gang plank and fell to the floor.

I crawled to the cabin after slamming the door.

With nothing to lose but something to gain,

I grabbed the book titled "Flying This Plane"

I read the instructions and gave it a try

The next thing I knew I was up in the sky.

I just kind of sat there and flew it along,

I thought I was safe, but again I was wrong.

The bird stayed behind me, just out of sight.

It flew up above me but off to the right.

I pressed auto pilot and got out of my seat.

My muscles were sore, I was tired and beat.

I was really quite thirsty, a dryness set in.

I went up to the bar for some tonic and gin.

I finished my drink and began to go back.

The airplane started shaking, I heard a loud crack.

I ran for the cabin and what did I see?

The bird in the cockpit staring at me!

I split for the restroom and hid in a stall.

The bird stumbled past me and rolled down the hall.

She smashed through the fuselage and Swoosh, she was gone!

The pull as tremendous! I grabbed for the john.

My hands were perspired, I tightened my grip.

The sweat on the porcelain caused my fingers to slip.

I flew out the door and bounced all about.

I couldn't find purchase and SWOOSH, I was out!

It didn't take long for myself to descend,

I knew I was through, this was surely the end.

Meanwhile the bird, who had fallen out first,

Had smashed in the ground and was sprawled in the dirt.

With beak sharp as nails, she stretched open her bill

With mouth opened wide she awaited the kill.

But again luck was with me, for out of a tree,

Came a half naked ape man, screaming AH E AH EE!

The ape man swooped by, snatched me out of the air.

He was big, strong and burly and covered with hair!

He set me down gently and pulled out a knife.

He said, "Me Tarzan, I just save your life!"

In a matter of seconds, he was all over the fowl,

He plucked all her feathers and took out her bowels.

He sliced and diced and before I knew

She was breasts, wings, and drumsticks, with wrapped giblets too!

He asked me to dinner with Jane and the chimp

I had to refuse, I was shocked, tired and limp.

I told all my friends when I finally got home,

They mumbled, "That's great", and looked back at their phone.

The End

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